Bloomberg to outlaw metal and plastic tableware
Posted on Thursday, March 07, 2013 10:02:43 PM by RetiredTexasVet
Czar Bloomberg cited the injuries caused by the metal and plastic tableware as the primary reason for the ban, although environmental and dietary concerns were also factored in the decision.
Czar Bloomberg cited the statistics and chart developed by Dr. Michael Mann, of Global Warming fame, to support the estimated 20,000,000 injuries each year caused by the offending tableware.
When Dr. Mann was questioned about the data and the methodology used to develop and prepare the chart, Dr. Mann accused the questioners of being “deniers” and “haters of children”. Some reporters noted that the presented chart looked suspiciously similar to the Global Warming “hockey stick” chart but Dr. Mann dismissed it as pure happenstance.
Cass Sunstein had suggested that an environmentally sound and sustainable alternative to metal or plastic tableware was available. Because of the dangers of knives and forks, only “sporks” would be available in the substitute tableware. A high technology cardboard spork is available for use today. The cardboard spork has several advantages over the metal or plastic because it is recyclable, is pliable and will bend rather than puncture, spontaneously starts to degrade within 20 minutes, and compliments the cardboard plates that will be used to replace Styrofoam plates. Additionally, NYC will get two green checkmarks on their Al Gore Saving Humanity report card.
Moo, the President’s wife and health and dietary expert, is also in favor of the cardboard sporks because of their property of degrading within 20 minutes. This will limit amount of food that children or adults can consume at a single setting. Additionally schools, restaurants, and parents will required to have all food diced to ensure that it may be consumed without cutting instruments which will greatly aid in digestion as people do not chew their food properly and according to the strict chewing standards set forth in Dept. of Agriculture guidelines.